Grandpa's Last Day

We went up to Minnesota to be with my grandpa, as we knew he was failing. My mom and I got up there on Thursday late afternoon, with my cousin, Matthew, in tow (funny story about that... we "found" him on our way up to Minnesota, so we followed each other the rest of the way). We arrived and all visited Grandpa until he got sleepy and went to bed for the night. Mom and I headed back to our motel.

We set our alarms for the next morning so that Mom could help my sister, Katie with her kiddos and so that I could sit with Grandpa. When I was with Grandpa that morning, he was very weak and didn't get out of bed even to sit in his chair. That's okay. He was comfortable. I fed him baby food and he actually took most of it, without spitting it out at me (which he had done before, because his brain wasn't telling his mouth/throat how to work). I was so excited. He also took sips of juice, water, and Dr. Pepper. He was such a trooper! I was so proud of him. I talked to him, sang to him, and fed him until my grandma, aunt, and cousin (Matthew) arrived. I let them have their time with him and I met up with Mom, Katie, and the kiddos.

Afterward, Katie stopped over to see Grandpa. Mom and I went to grab some lunch. Matthew called to let us know that they were leaving the nursing home. He also let us know that Grandpa was glad to see Grandma. He knew who she was enough to hold onto her hand... tight... and not want to let go.

After lunch, Mom and I returned to see Grandpa. Matthew joined us a little while later. Grandpa mostly slept. But we talked to him anyway and combed his hair (he always loved his hair- keeping combs close by). We knew he could hear us because he responded with wiggling his eyes brows. (This is something Grandpa used to always do to us kids to be silly...) We'd use his eyebrows as his "yeses" to our questions. "Grandpa, are you cold? Do you need more blankets?" or "Grandpa, do you want Dr. Pepper?" LOL. He'd wiggle his eyebrows. But there were also times he would not wiggle them... those were the times he was saying "no thank you." :)

My sister, Jessica, arrived in the evening. She planned to stay the night with Grandpa. Mom and I hesitated leaving her alone because Grandpa's breathing had gotten suddenly worse- heavy and raspy. The nurse told us he was most certainly failing quickly, but she could never tell us how long it would actually be. They repositioned Grandpa and he looked so peaceful. He rested nicely, and Mom and I felt comfortable leaving Jessica with him for a little bit so we could get a little rest. It was midnight when we returned to our motel.

It was around 1am when Jessica called us to come back because he wasn't doing well. Few more minutes later, she called while we were on our way over... he had died.

What I didn't tell you is the coolest part of all of this:

Mom and I weren't sure if we should stay or go and leave Jessica alone. I knew I needed some rest, but I hated seeing Grandpa in the condition he was in, and it was taking a toll on me. (Mom and Jess were able to cry in front of everybody, but I felt like I had to be the "rock" or something.) I left the room and looked out a window at the end of the hallway. I just let myself cry and cry as I prayed and asked God that it wouldn't be too long before Grandpa could join Him in Heaven. And then I asked God what to do. Should we stay here all night? Should we leave? I also asked God that somebody from our family would be with him when he does pass away. But I asked God to NOT let Mom be there. Mom did not want to be there when he actually passed away, but like me, she wanted somebody to be there.

Mom and I left. And within the hour, God took my grandpa to be with Him. But the best part of it all? Jessica sat with him. God gave her an amazing peace while she sat with him- she wasn't afraid, and did just the right things even though she knew what was happening. She sat there holding his hand, talking and singing to him. That's how he left this earth! Isn't that wonderful!?! And Mom and I were not there, which was probably a very good thing.

Something interesting that Mom and Jessica agreed with me about- when we saw Grandpa's body laying there after he had died, we all knew he was gone. Ya know? His soul and spirit were not in that body anymore. Even up to his last moments, he was there... it was still Grandpa. But once he died, he was really gone... in Heaven. That was the most reassuring thing to me. God revealed that whole "death concept" to me... because He knew I didn't understand it. But knowing that just the "shell" of Grandpa was left, and knowing the real Grandpa was already up in Heaven with Jesus (and he had a new, perfect body)... it was amazingly a peaceful feeling. Thank God.

And thank God that Grandpa's last day on earth was a happy one, right? Having family all around all day long... Responding to people... Even getting to eat and drink a little bit (he always loved food!). He had a good last day. And now he's having a wonderful forever.

Grandpa and Me

I Have a Hope

Yesterday, while visiting my grandpa, this song kept going through my head. I wanted to share it with you. I think God put that song there for a reason, don't you?

I HAVE A HOPE by Tommy Walker

I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope

God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope

Chorus
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God

My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope

Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope

Bridge
There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me

(click on the title of the song to see it and listen to it)




PS: Thanks to my friend, Jodie, for inviting me... I got to see Tommy Walker live at Willow Creek and yes, he did sing this song. :)

The Worst Day of My Life

Yesterday was pretty much the worst day of my life.

My mom and I went up to Minnesota to visit my grandpa. My sister, Katie, lives about 15 minutes from where my grandpa's nursing home is, so we planned to stop in and see her really quick. When I called her to let her know we'd be stopping in, she let me know that she had been to see Grandpa just the day before and wanted to warn me that he was not doing well. The fact that she warned us was good. There's nothing like a HUGE surprise, especially a horrible one, right? But even though she warned us, it wasn't enough. My mom and I were just shocked and how much my grandpa has gone down hill since we last saw him. He lost 8 lbs in one week, 30+ lbs in 2 months. He is weak and frail. He will not eat and will not take his medicine, has been refusing for a week. His eyes aren't right... there's no twinkle in them like there used to be. He would hardly look at us- mostly hung his head. He has no strength to talk. Whenever he tried to talk, he whispered and mumbled. For the most part we had no clue what he was saying.

To try to find joy in all of this, there were some cute/funny things that happened while we were there. Mom was talking to the nurse about Grandpa not eating. I was over talking to Grandpa. He wasn't responding to me. But I kept talking, telling him how handsome he looked, how much I missed him, etc... Then I asked "Do you want a banana, Grandpa?" He looked me straight in the eyes, his eyes widened and he SHOUTED (the best he could) "YES!" Mom, the nurse, and I all laughed. I started feeding him banana. (No, he did not swallow it. He mushed it around in his mouth and it would either fall back out or he'd spit it out... I think he only ate one bite completely.)

I decided to rub lotion on his hands... something Mom used to do for him when he lived here. I asked him if I could and he nodded his head. As I rubbed his hands, he looked off in space, but he began to rub my hands too! So we both massaged lotion on each others hands.

I did make him smile a couple times. Not sure what I did or said... but he did smile for me.

He did get angry and yelled at us a couple times in a loud voice. Other than that, we weren't too sure what he was saying.

I found his comb for him, combed his hair (he loves his combs and his hair...lol), and then he combed his own hair too.

Mom and I tried to sing with him. He loves to sing. The first time he just looked off into space. But when we sang another time, he joined in with a louder voice than his mumbled whispers. He didn't make sense, but he was singing... we knew he was.

That was so hard. I have volunteered at a nursing home for 6+ years now, and I have seen people decline and people go through hard times like this. But it's never been my grandpa. It's never been somebody I was close to. It's not supposed to be my grandpa.

The nurse told Mom that grandpa asks them to leave him alone and just let him die. He wants to go... he doesn't want to feel like this anymore. And I don't blame him one bit. I am grateful that I know where Grandpa will be when he dies... and that he won't be hurting anymore. But I'm not sure I am ready for that.

The way home was another part of our bad day. We got stuck in my sister's driveway (cornfields on either side, snow drifts blowing out onto the driveway, and ice pretty much covering the entire thing...). My mom got us out (good driver!), and we took another driveway (thank goodness for the country... multiple driveways! LOL). We had a hard time the first part of our trip- wind gusts, snow drifts, etc... We were going about 45 mph, on the I-90. LOL. That sure made for a loooooong trip... especially when we just wanted to get back home.

We finally pulled over to get food... the place was closed (so goes my luck... that happened TWICE with Jeff on our way home from MN once). So we got back on the highway and tried for another place. Truck stop. Mmmm... home cooked food. Right? Wrong. We ordered hot open faced sandwiches- turkey. First of all- the gravy was yellow (yellow gravy!?!), the turkey was thin sliced- like from a jar, everything was so salty, and the mashed potatoes were (as my mom said) "so very instant." It was edible... I did eat it. But it was gross, and depressing.

The rest of the trip was a lot better- the roads were clearer, so we got to go 65 mph the rest of the way. Mom dropped me off at home and I got in the house, got ready for bed, and bawled my eyes out.

I have to get back up there to help my grandpa. Apparently, I'm the only one that has gotten him to even want to eat in a whole week. I gave him some Dr. Pepper too, which I guess he had the day before with my sister. But I want to go back. I want to feed him, encourage him, love him, and be there for him.

Please pray for him. And pray for the rest of us as we sort this all out... going back up there, when, how, where, etc... and dealing with his decline.

What Is Going On?

It's been a really good day. I was so cheerful! I spent time with my family and some of my friends. I ate pizza (shame on me). I snuggled my husband a few times today. I got to babysit (not lift, mind you!) my 1 yr old niece, who has adorably chubby legs. I held my friend's baby in the nursery at church tonight. I had some good conversations about friendships with my Grapple group* and felt like they enjoyed it too.

But something feels blah inside of me. I feel like a loser, yet I feel like I've conquered the world. I feel tired, yet not sleepy. I feel annoyed, yet I can't place my finger on what/who/why. I feel lonely, yet I feel loved. How does this happen?!? Split personalities?

I haven't been sleeping well at all since surgery (2 weeks ago). I have a hard time falling asleep, and then I wake up a handful of times in the night. Boo. At nap time, I might feel tired, but it takes me awhile to fall asleep. And once I do, my body is so tense, that I wake up all achy. And usually I only nap for 45 minutes (might sound like a good nap to you... but I am used to and need about 2 hours a day!). What's wrong with me?

I miss my parents most of the time. I talk to each of them pretty much every day and I even see each of them a couple times (at least) a week. But I miss them.

I am longing to be a mom, but I am worried that I'm not trusting God in the right ways with our adoption process. I feel like I made a poor choice to fund raise because maybe it's not what HE had planned. What was I thinking!?! Did I even ask God first?

I'm tired. of. waiting. For what? For a baby. For my SS disability money (if even). For my health to get better. For relationships to be mended.

Shame on me. Pastor Elliott's sermon (#16 on the list) this morning was the opposite of how I'm feeling. Maybe life isn't all about me! Maybe instead of praying for our baby or praying for a financial miracle/provision I should be PRAISING GOD for what He IS doing in my life.

I AM grateful. I really am. Tonight Jeffrey and I focused on PRAISING God and in our prayer time together, we only praised, not asked... or begged. Sometimes I beg. One day this week I cried my eyes out and just begged God for help. ...funny, huh?!?

Anyway; that's all. I'm done. I'm going up to see my grandpa tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel better then. :)





* Grapple is a new "class" at church for 5-6 graders... boys and girls. They focus on teaching Biblical aspects of living our daily lives... we've been talking about friendships lately. I'm one of a handful of leaders for this group and I've been enjoying it.

Oh How Cute!

Some cute things to look at:

A cute kid stuck behind the couch... or a freshly powdered baby bottom.

Enjoy!

Sacred Influence... Chapter 2

1) Have you ever encountered "functional fixedness" in your own marriage? What did it look like? What didn't work as you tried to address it? Based on what Gary shared, what might be a more effective approach in the future?
Yes. We have experienced this "functional fixedness" (which really just means you're stuck in your ways... which usually are selfish, lazy, or unintentionally hurtful). I get like that, and so does Jeff. We've been good about trying not to be, and we've also let the other person know in right and in wrong ways. I used to nag a lot. It doesn't work. It makes him angrier. Now I just let things go. He usually feels badly for "failing" me if I don't mention it at all... instead of feeling like a loser because I'm rubbing it in that he just might be one. Ya know? Nah- we don't disrespect each other anymore. At least we try not to. :)

2) What do you think represents the greater danger to a marriage- a husband's momentary anger or a wife's perceived weakness? If you chose the latter, why do you think women often suppress their frustration instead of addressing it?
Can't they be equally dangerous? I mean- both men and woman can be at fault and at varying degrees, of course. But I don't know. I don't think I can answer this one in the way they wanted me to. I'm sorry!

3) What is the appropriate way for a woman who is committed to a biblical view of marriage- "til death do us part"- to stand up and say, "If this doesn't change, our relationship will be affected?"
She needs to NOT give in. She needs to be bold and stand her ground. Not being a jerk, not necessarily even talking about it. But maybe not giving him what he wants when he wants it, because she is not being treated how she deserves to be treated (and how God tells him to treat her!). Honestly, I've done this before. I feel so mean doing it. Sometimes it does work, and sometimes it makes me feel like a horrible person, or makes him feel worse. Sometimes I just give in! If it's time he wants from me- even if I don't feel like spending time with him because he's been slacking on paying special attention to meet my needs- I will still give it to him. It makes him love me and appreciate me more. I dunno. I kind of agree, but I kind of disagree with the "appropriate" way here.

4) Do you agree with Gary that "the most damaging thing you can do in an unhealthy relationship is nothing"? What keeps some women from acting boldly? What will help them act more courageously?
I suppose so. I mean- if something needs attention- you'd better pay attention to it! Ya know? Women don't want to act boldly because they think they have to be submissive as the weaker sex. And while we are placed under our husband's authority, we have differing gifts! He needs us for what we have to offer and we need him.

5) Have you ever "given up" on an issue in your marriage? In what way? What do you wish you would have done differently, in hindsight? How might this experience affect your future actions?
The only thing I recall is getting into various fights and shouting mean things at him like "I quit." or "Just leave me." or even "I hate you." What do I wish I would've done differently? How about not say those horrible things to the man that I love so so so very much and that God has graciously blessed me with! Yeah. In the future (and presently) I try to NOT say what my tongue so quickly wants to shout.
I don't think this is exactly what the question was asking, but it's how I related to it.

6) In what area of your marriage is it most difficult for you to be active and to show courage? How can women encourage each other to be less passive and more active in their marriages?
Trusting Jeff. I am really working on it, but there have been times that I didn't trust his financial plans, his driving, or his "life goals." How wrong of me to doubt him! I am very sorry that I do/did. And I'm practicing to be more active- backing him up and supporting him. After all, he IS my hero. Encouraging each other? I don't know- it really depends on the "issues" at hand. How can somebody encourage me with my doubt/trust issues? Pray!

7) List the top two areas of your marriage that need positive, God-honoring influencing. Begin praying for God to show you appropriate, active, love-affirming responses.
I think I'll have to think about this one. :)