What Is Going On?

It's been a really good day. I was so cheerful! I spent time with my family and some of my friends. I ate pizza (shame on me). I snuggled my husband a few times today. I got to babysit (not lift, mind you!) my 1 yr old niece, who has adorably chubby legs. I held my friend's baby in the nursery at church tonight. I had some good conversations about friendships with my Grapple group* and felt like they enjoyed it too.

But something feels blah inside of me. I feel like a loser, yet I feel like I've conquered the world. I feel tired, yet not sleepy. I feel annoyed, yet I can't place my finger on what/who/why. I feel lonely, yet I feel loved. How does this happen?!? Split personalities?

I haven't been sleeping well at all since surgery (2 weeks ago). I have a hard time falling asleep, and then I wake up a handful of times in the night. Boo. At nap time, I might feel tired, but it takes me awhile to fall asleep. And once I do, my body is so tense, that I wake up all achy. And usually I only nap for 45 minutes (might sound like a good nap to you... but I am used to and need about 2 hours a day!). What's wrong with me?

I miss my parents most of the time. I talk to each of them pretty much every day and I even see each of them a couple times (at least) a week. But I miss them.

I am longing to be a mom, but I am worried that I'm not trusting God in the right ways with our adoption process. I feel like I made a poor choice to fund raise because maybe it's not what HE had planned. What was I thinking!?! Did I even ask God first?

I'm tired. of. waiting. For what? For a baby. For my SS disability money (if even). For my health to get better. For relationships to be mended.

Shame on me. Pastor Elliott's sermon (#16 on the list) this morning was the opposite of how I'm feeling. Maybe life isn't all about me! Maybe instead of praying for our baby or praying for a financial miracle/provision I should be PRAISING GOD for what He IS doing in my life.

I AM grateful. I really am. Tonight Jeffrey and I focused on PRAISING God and in our prayer time together, we only praised, not asked... or begged. Sometimes I beg. One day this week I cried my eyes out and just begged God for help. ...funny, huh?!?

Anyway; that's all. I'm done. I'm going up to see my grandpa tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel better then. :)





* Grapple is a new "class" at church for 5-6 graders... boys and girls. They focus on teaching Biblical aspects of living our daily lives... we've been talking about friendships lately. I'm one of a handful of leaders for this group and I've been enjoying it.