The Worst Day of My Life

Yesterday was pretty much the worst day of my life.

My mom and I went up to Minnesota to visit my grandpa. My sister, Katie, lives about 15 minutes from where my grandpa's nursing home is, so we planned to stop in and see her really quick. When I called her to let her know we'd be stopping in, she let me know that she had been to see Grandpa just the day before and wanted to warn me that he was not doing well. The fact that she warned us was good. There's nothing like a HUGE surprise, especially a horrible one, right? But even though she warned us, it wasn't enough. My mom and I were just shocked and how much my grandpa has gone down hill since we last saw him. He lost 8 lbs in one week, 30+ lbs in 2 months. He is weak and frail. He will not eat and will not take his medicine, has been refusing for a week. His eyes aren't right... there's no twinkle in them like there used to be. He would hardly look at us- mostly hung his head. He has no strength to talk. Whenever he tried to talk, he whispered and mumbled. For the most part we had no clue what he was saying.

To try to find joy in all of this, there were some cute/funny things that happened while we were there. Mom was talking to the nurse about Grandpa not eating. I was over talking to Grandpa. He wasn't responding to me. But I kept talking, telling him how handsome he looked, how much I missed him, etc... Then I asked "Do you want a banana, Grandpa?" He looked me straight in the eyes, his eyes widened and he SHOUTED (the best he could) "YES!" Mom, the nurse, and I all laughed. I started feeding him banana. (No, he did not swallow it. He mushed it around in his mouth and it would either fall back out or he'd spit it out... I think he only ate one bite completely.)

I decided to rub lotion on his hands... something Mom used to do for him when he lived here. I asked him if I could and he nodded his head. As I rubbed his hands, he looked off in space, but he began to rub my hands too! So we both massaged lotion on each others hands.

I did make him smile a couple times. Not sure what I did or said... but he did smile for me.

He did get angry and yelled at us a couple times in a loud voice. Other than that, we weren't too sure what he was saying.

I found his comb for him, combed his hair (he loves his combs and his hair...lol), and then he combed his own hair too.

Mom and I tried to sing with him. He loves to sing. The first time he just looked off into space. But when we sang another time, he joined in with a louder voice than his mumbled whispers. He didn't make sense, but he was singing... we knew he was.

That was so hard. I have volunteered at a nursing home for 6+ years now, and I have seen people decline and people go through hard times like this. But it's never been my grandpa. It's never been somebody I was close to. It's not supposed to be my grandpa.

The nurse told Mom that grandpa asks them to leave him alone and just let him die. He wants to go... he doesn't want to feel like this anymore. And I don't blame him one bit. I am grateful that I know where Grandpa will be when he dies... and that he won't be hurting anymore. But I'm not sure I am ready for that.

The way home was another part of our bad day. We got stuck in my sister's driveway (cornfields on either side, snow drifts blowing out onto the driveway, and ice pretty much covering the entire thing...). My mom got us out (good driver!), and we took another driveway (thank goodness for the country... multiple driveways! LOL). We had a hard time the first part of our trip- wind gusts, snow drifts, etc... We were going about 45 mph, on the I-90. LOL. That sure made for a loooooong trip... especially when we just wanted to get back home.

We finally pulled over to get food... the place was closed (so goes my luck... that happened TWICE with Jeff on our way home from MN once). So we got back on the highway and tried for another place. Truck stop. Mmmm... home cooked food. Right? Wrong. We ordered hot open faced sandwiches- turkey. First of all- the gravy was yellow (yellow gravy!?!), the turkey was thin sliced- like from a jar, everything was so salty, and the mashed potatoes were (as my mom said) "so very instant." It was edible... I did eat it. But it was gross, and depressing.

The rest of the trip was a lot better- the roads were clearer, so we got to go 65 mph the rest of the way. Mom dropped me off at home and I got in the house, got ready for bed, and bawled my eyes out.

I have to get back up there to help my grandpa. Apparently, I'm the only one that has gotten him to even want to eat in a whole week. I gave him some Dr. Pepper too, which I guess he had the day before with my sister. But I want to go back. I want to feed him, encourage him, love him, and be there for him.

Please pray for him. And pray for the rest of us as we sort this all out... going back up there, when, how, where, etc... and dealing with his decline.