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How do you scream out "pick me!" without being loud and annoying? And how do you politely ask somebody if you can mother their child for them? What right do you have? That baby isn't yours. It's hers.

But for some reason, we make this all okay in the act of adoption.

Adoption is something that has been chosen for me, as I cannot have children on my own. I met with a specialist (an ob-gyn that works with heart patients) and she told me she did not want me to get pregnant. If I did, she'd see me through it, but she couldn't make any promises. She felt my health/life was in jeopardy as well as any baby that I tried to carry.

Jeff and I don't believe in surrogacy. If we did, we might take that route and pay some woman thousands and thousands of dollars to give us a baby made by us but carried by her. But that seems too much like "playing God" to me. If God wanted things to go that way, He'd have made a way.

Adoption is our only option if we want to raise a family.

I love my husband. He is an excellent man. And if I go to my grave only having him in my family, I still consider myself beyond blessed.

But both of us love children. You may not find many other people out there that love children as much as we do. I have wanted to be a mommy since I was in first grade. I was in Sparks (part of AWANA clubs) and we were supposed to dress up as something we wanted to be when we grew up. I dressed up as a mommy- carried a baby doll and wore an apron. As I got older and had to tell teachers, peers, or employers what my long term goals were- mine were not graduating from an ivy league school, becoming a doctor or lawyer, or traveling the world. I always, humbly, stated that I intended to be a mom.

Why is it so hard to make my dreams come true?

I look at the thousands upon thousands of profiles online (visit any adoption websites- you'll see them too)... smiley couples longing to become parents too. Why should I even try to compete with them? Those men and women are far more successful than I am or probably ever will be. They may be unable to have children, but they don't have all the health problems that I do- which probably scares away most birth parents.

I put a little note out on my Facebook page, just hoping somebody might see it and just might know somebody that might know somebody...

I leave the link to my profile up in the corner of my blog hoping that by chance somebody might stumble upon my blog and happen to click on it...

I pray.

I wait.

The baby's room is closed. I don't want to go in there. I still have a heartache from the adoption this past June not working out. And I feel let down because we weren't chosen by the other birth mother in July.

I hurt because I see so many parents out there that- though it's not my place to judge, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about- should not be parents. I see teenagers raising babies. Unwed mothers. Unhappy families. Abusive and/or neglectful families...

I love it when I see woman just beaming with delight because of their babies. I want to be her one day. But it breaks my heart to see/talk to women that complain about their crying babies or their lack of sleep. Do you know what I would give to rock your crying baby or lose sleep?

This is my blog- I can post whatever I feel like. I know most of you who read my blog and I'm fine with knowing you've read this post. I didn't write it so I could throw myself a pity party. I didn't write it so that I could complain. I wrote it so that I could get it off my chest. And I wrote it because one day, God will bless me with a baby- and you will know exactly how happy and appreciative I am.

The women that can give their babies up for adoption are strong, brave, and selfless women. They are real heroes.