I Need to Vent (Beware!)

I'm not feeling well today... physically, emotionally, mentally, and probably spiritually too.

I have a low fever... and I'm tired.

I feel sad and overwhelmed.

I can't sort my thoughts out or get myself organized today.

I'm having a hard time "letting go and letting God."




I totally screamed at the cats today. (Don't laugh... it's actually very frustrating.) They keep chasing each other and I noticed that they ripped open Austin's Christmas present that I had JUST WRAPPED and put under the tree. How annoying. Not only that, but they were chasing each other and I heard the ornaments crash and one of the glass balls burst into a million pieces. That is the point where I screamed. I threw Sydney in the basement (he's still down there) and believe it or not, Bailey did come out from under the tree and hardly fought me when I grabbed her and locked her in the bathroom. They knew they were naughty. I hope it never happens again. That particular ornament was kind of special- it had Jesus etched on it. I really liked it. Last week, though, she knocked down just a plain glass ball that didn't matter to me.

We visited Grandpa yesterday. He's up in a nursing home in Minnesota. That is such a long trip... if you try to make it there and back in one day. I think that's one reason I feel so out of it today... the trip was exhausting. It was so nice to see him. He knew who we were (and in fact, we're pretty sure he recognized us before we realized that was him coming down the hall toward us!) But I felt sad because things just didn't seem or feel "perfect" as they did last time we visited. His room was not as nicely kept... the bed wasn't made well, the bathroom hadn't been cleaned, and some of his personal items were misplaced or strewn about. I didn't like the way it felt. He also has to be taken out of the nursing home to go see the dentist. That worries me. He will not do well when he has to leave. I just don't get why they can't have a dentist there for the residents. They shouldn't have to go out in public and be scared or embarrassed. I just really miss him. I wish we lived closer to him. And all I have to say (sorry for my rudeness ahead of time) is that he had better be getting visitors several times a week! I do not want him to feel alone or rejected.

I went up there with Jessica and her girls. The girls were adorable and had fun singing and dancing for Grandpa and all the other residents on his floor. We passed out small Christmas decorations for everybody on his floor. The girls really enjoyed that too, and even though Grandpa may not have known what we were doing, he smiled and joined right in with us.



I'm also dealing with issues about the adoption process... not that anything is going wrong... I'm just growing tired of it. To be honest, and I feel embarrassed to say this... I don't really like to read. We have to read a book for our adoption process. And to be very frank- it's sort of all common sense- stuff that doesn't come to my surprise. I don't want to read it, and I keep putting it off. No motivation there.

Jeff and I have to take some online trainings... and I hope we can get that done before Christmas. But how annoying. I'm sorry. I hate to complain and be such a grouch. I'm just so annoyed and tired of every other woman becoming a mom naturally and not having to take classes or read books. I'm tired of all of it, actually. I'm tired of your average Joe (or Jo, I guess) getting pregnant and raising a baby without agencies taking all their money, without attending a million interviews, without taking classes, without being licenced by DCFS (which, btw- we passed except for our basement), without all the rules and everything. I hate it. I'm sorry... but I do.

I don't like the uncertainty. I don't like throwing myself vulnerably out there for birth families to look at and choose. Ew. I don't want to feel like I'm up against a bunch of others. I don't want to wait. I don't want a birth family to pick us and then change their mind. I don't want to have to wait until my child is 3 months old before they officially are mine. I hate it. I really hate it.

I didn't expect myself to be so irritated. I didn't expect to be so sad or hard on myself about everything. And I didn't expect to be so impatient.

Everybody tells me "When you have your baby in your arms, you will understand God's plan and why you went through all that you did. It will all be worth it in the end." I try to remember that, and I guess I do believe it. But it's not fair. It's stupid, really. I hate DCFS. I hate these stupid laws. I hate that a 15 yr old can have a baby and raise it and a 28 yr old gets the third degree because she wants to be a mom. There is something seriously wrong with our world.



Anyway; thank you for letting me vent. Sorry it's not a fun post. And sorry there aren't any pictures. I guess I could put some up here again soon. Not today. I'm not in the mood.

Sorry.