Weddings and Marriages

I'm tired.

I stayed up until 2am looking at my wedding pictures. (I used the excuse that I had taken my diuretic, so I stayed up...) I loved looking at my pictures. I think the photographer could've done a lot better as far as what he captured (example: there aren't family photos, hardly any of Jeff and me together or alone, and hardly any of our wedding party). But he sure did a great job with how he captured them... there are some beautiful pictures.

Looking at the pictures made me miss that day. I miss it because it was a happy day- maybe the best day of my life. It was fun, memorable, and awesome. But I also miss that day because there is so much I would've done differently. I was sad to look at the pictures and see all the people that were there and all the relationships that I don't have. I was sad to look back and remember the stress I put on people, and how gracious they were anyway. I was sad because I shouldn't have worried about when somebody was going to have her baby or worry about hurting my friends' feelings, and I should've just had certain people be in the wedding... I was sad because I did include people in the wedding that might not have cared anyway in the long run...

I was sad because I remember the way I treated my brand new husband that day. I was stressed out and nervous, and I was a brat to him pretty much the entire day (after the wedding). And yet, the moment Jeffrey and I drove off together after our reception, a switch went on inside of me that said "This is your husband now, you must submit to him, honor him, and respect him." In which, I did for the rest of the night and into the next day. However, that quickly ended even on our honeymoon. Witch girl came back and acted selfish and bratty. And I'm pretty sure I haven't stopped since.

I'm sorry, Honey. You are amazing and you deal with a lot when it comes to me... not just my mood swings or emotions. Not just my selfishness or pride. But also my health, my lack of a job, lack of motivation, lack of cooking skills or cleaning skills, my ignorance, anger, and impatience. I don't know how you can keep loving me and keep taking care of me... but I am sure happy that you do. You mean the world to me!

What's funny is, just yesterday my sister, Molly, reminded me of something I had said prior to my wedding... "It's not the wedding that matters, it's the marriage." I didn't want so much time, energy, money and fancy stuff spent on my wedding when it was just a day- just a handful of hours. That isn't what makes or breaks our marriage. And I'm glad for that. Although I do have some really good memories of the wedding, I need to be creating really awesome memories in my marriage.

I love you, Jeffrey... til death parts us!