I don't know why, but while I was trying to fall asleep last night, this popped into my head:

For some reason, I had always been Grandma and Grandpa's "favorite." (I know I wasn't really their favorite, but they favored me a lot... and I knew it.) Grandma, especially, would brag about me to anybody and everybody. I remember being jealous of my sisters and telling Grandma about it one summer while visiting her. "They are all so talented, and I don't think I got any of the talent my family has..." Of course, Grandma thought that was silly talk and pointed out a handful of "talents" she knew I did have.

I struggled a lot in college- trying to fit in at a school where I knew nobody, trying to find God, hanging out with friends that may not have been the best to be with, etc... I struggled with boys, grades, student teaching, and pleasing my parents. I remember one night, crying to my mom because I felt so "imperfect." I think I had gotten in trouble for something- staying out too late or something like that. And I was crying about how I wasn't a good person.

I remember thinking this on several occasions, but I do recall saying it out loud just then: "I wish Grandma knew the real me, then she'd see that I'm not at all as perfect as she thinks I am."

Well, years later, my wish came true. Grandma got to see how imperfect I really am. And sadly, that disappointed her greatly.

So yeah- like I said- I don't know how or why that popped into my head last night. But I just wanted to share it and get it off my chest.