One day this will all be worth it... but right now, I'm tired and frustrated.
I'm talking about our adoption process...
The training is taking a lot longer than I was told it would take... and it's making me mad. I'm losing my patience from waiting to get it done. I'm getting tired of "learning" things that seem like common sense... and thus wasting my time and money. And it really irks me that we have to do these trainings in the first place... my neighbor could have a baby and not have to go through any training at all. I feel like I'm being punished because I'm unable to have my own children... so I have to go through all these background checks, finger printings, trainings, classes, etc, etc... Ugh.
I want my baby. I want it now. I'd be fine finding out it was coming in 3 months, or 6 months, even 9 months! I just want it to come... I want to know how much longer I have to wait. But I don't want to wait much longer. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed.
All my life I have wanted to be a mother. Seriously. Even as a little girl, when I'd get asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd always say "a mom." I loved babysitting, helping out in the nursery, and looking at babies in magazines. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember, and I'm hating at how hard it is for me to achieve it.
I don't fake it, I really don't, when I tell you that I'd be fine waiting another year or two, or five... because I love Jeffrey and I love being "just us" right now. But when it all sinks in as to how hard this is to achieve, I get angry. That's the truth.
What birth mom will really pick me? And why? Why would God bless me with a baby after my bad attitude (and my even being open about it on my blog)? What do I have to offer that's really any better than the next family that badly wants a baby? But really, the thing that hurts most to ask is... Why couldn't I just be normal, and have a baby the "normal" way? Why did it have to be me that has this stupid heart condition, these stupid health problems, and the annoying interference of not being able to have my own children? Why?
One day this will all be worth it. But right now, I'm tired and frustrated.
I love you, Sarah. Keep drinking chai and thanking God for your trials!
ReplyDelete<3
you're absolutely right. it's a stupid system. it's almost as if they're telling you that you don't know anything when they make you go through all those dumb classes full of stuff you've already aced.
ReplyDeleteBut--you are a good mother and a birth mother will see that. she will. she'll see the light, so to speak, and realize that you and jeff are the best thing that could ever happen to her baby. and that baby will be exactly the one that God had planned for you, no matter how the baby gets to your family.
on a selfish note, maybe it's taking so long because i want to be there too when the baby comes, instead of on the other side of the country. sorry, it's my fault. but two more months. kay?