Tomorrow and How I Feel Today

I'm writing this through tears...

Tomorrow is my heart cath. I knew I was nervous, and it only gets worse as we get closer to it. I woke up with a stomach ache (nerves, I'm sure)... and I have been waiting to hear from the hospital about the details.

In waiting, I can't stop thinking about all the problems I've been having. I don't know things any differently, I suppose. I mean, I've never not had a heart problem. And I've always gone to the doctor a couple times a year (until more recently when it's been several times a year). But I look at the average person, and they don't have to carry this burden. They don't have to worry about their bodies giving up on them. They don't have to be poked, prodded, naked in front of doctors, helpless, alone... They don't have to recover from bruising, migraines and vomiting because of the anaesthesia, aches, helplessness... Why me? Why did it have to be me? (Not that I would wish this on anybody else, I don't.)

The ladies in Bible study the other day were complaining about all the pills they take (one lady was up to 4 pills, I think). They complained about needing pill sorters. These ladies are all 15+ yrs older than I am. I'm almost 28 yrs old. I'm ever so grateful I've made it this far! But I have had pill sorters since I was little! And I take 8 pills a day! That doesn't include anything I need for pain or stomach trouble. At the time they complained, I really thought it was funny. Today I don't. I'm annoyed today.

So- the hospital never called. So I called them. (Yes, I'm annoyed about that...) Not only do I have to be there at 7:30am (UGH... it's over an hour drive!), but I supposedly have to spend the night too! I am more than ticked off about this. And I hate the world right now.

Why me? I am seriously on the verge of calling and saying "no thank you." I don't want this stupid test done. I don't want to look or feel miserable afterward. And I don't want to stay the night there. I want to come home and be NORMAL!

Ya know, one reason I'm so upset is because it's a test. It's not a surgery. In a surgery, you know you'll come out better than you went in. In this case, I will come out worse than I went in and if anything, it will only reveal that I have heart problems that need repair. Oh joy.

I want to quit. I really want to just give up.